Chapter 8: A Letter and a Raid

Three days had passed since Starsky's kidnapping. Hutch barely ate these days, and Damian couldn't get a wink at night. Ryan helplessly watched his fellow detectives suffer each time they hit a dead end. Hutch's friend Mitch's informants had come up empty.

Then Friday morning, Ryan came bustling into the squad room with a letter in his hand. He handed it over to Hutch. "It's addressed to you."

There was no return address on the envelope. Hutch noticed it was postmarked the previous day, from LA. He opened it and pulled out a letter written on yellow notepad paper.

Hutch read it, re-read it, his heart hammering against his chest. Ryan and Damian hovered over Hutch's shoulder, reading the note along with him.

"What is it?" asked Captain Maven, entering the squad room with Captain Dobey.

Hutch handed over the letter to Captain Maven. Dobey and Maven read it together.

"This is Starsky's handwriting, but what's in it is bogus. Means nothing," growled Dobey. "Leo made him write this."

Hutch got the letter back and read it a couple more times.

"I haven't known Starsky for long, but--" Hutch thought for a minute. "I know he's trying to tell us something."

Hutch turned towards Damian. "If you got kidnapped, and you were asked to write a letter, whom would you address it to?"

"My wife, of course," Damian quickly replied.

"That doesn't help. I'm not his--" Hutch bit his lip. "What about you, Ryan?" he asked.

"My mother," said Ryan.

"It would've been me," Dobey said, after a while of silence. "I can see what Hutchinson is getting at. Starsky would have addressed the letter to me."

"Exactly. So then why did he send it to me?"

"Because you're his friend," said Ryan.

"Yes, but in a situation like this, no. If Starsky wanted to send it to a friend, he would've sent it to Damian. They've known each other for years. But he sent it to me – because Leo doesn't believe Damian is a threat to him."

"I think you're on to something. Go on-" said Dobey.

"Starsky never called me Ken. I never called him Dave, or even David. This letter isn't really from Starsky. These are Leo's thoughts. Leo wanted Starsky to send a letter to me. He didn't want to see Starsky being friends with any other man. He wanted Starsky to sever all contacts with me."

Hutch sat down at his desk, his eyes glued to the piece of paper. There was something else in it that was staring at him; he just couldn't see it. "He asks me to take care of Shaye. Doesn't make sense because he doesn't even know that Shaye's here." Unless… Hutch's heart sank. 'You know what, Hutch-You should get a dog,' Starsky had once said. No! Hutch mentally shook himself. This isn't Good Bye! "Leo wants me to know that Starsky belongs to him, because he believes that Starsky and I are involved."

Damian squeezed Starsky's shoulder lightly. Hutch smiled at him briefly. Only Damian knew the truth about how he felt about Starsky.

"Daffyd," Hutch whispered.

"What?" asked Damian.

"Daegon- Daffyd. Starsky's aliases- courtesy of Leo," Hutch replied.

"This guy's some piece of work, isn't he?"

"Let me work on this. I know there's more to it than what's written in here," Hutch said, studying the only piece of evidence they had to give them hope that Starsky was alive.

***

"I think I know where he is." Hutch finally looked up from his writing excitedly. He had worked on Starsky's note for a good twenty minutes.

"Where? What did you find?" Everyone gathered around Hutch.

Hutch had written several letters on his notepad and crossed off some. "He's held somewhere close to the beach and the rail tracks."

"How the hell did you figure that out?" Ryan grabbed Hutch's scribbled notes.

"If you look closer, you can see that Starsky has some letters capitalized where they shouldn't be capitalized. It's hard to find because he has written all letters in the same size, guess he didn't want it to be obvious because then Leo would catch the message as well. I wrote down all the capital letters and crossed out the true uppercase letters- like the ones that started a sentence or the ones used for names. This is what was left," Hutch showed the notepad and what he had scribbled on it to the others. "He needed a word with 'H'- that is why he must have written about Shaye at the end."

The remaining letters said TRAINS BEECH. 

"B-e-e-c-h?" Ryan spelled out the second word.

"That's Starsky, alright!" Dobey grunted. "He would've said beach should be written the same way as speech. He would even go beyond that explaining when bee is b-e-e there's no reason at all for beach to be b-e-a."

Damian chuckled. "Well, he got the message out the way he could.  So this's what he must be hearing. At least we have some place to look, now."

"We can narrow our search by looking at houses and apartments that were up for sale or for rent during the past six months. Leo rented the downtown apartment as Robert Rivers. Now he must be using the names Julian Stobart or Toby Jenkins. Robert Rivers doesn't exist anymore."

Finally they were on to something.

Before the end of the day, Damian and Ryan had made a list of places that matched their criteria. It was not going to be easy; they had a long road ahead and even then, all this was assuming that Starsky was still in California.

What if Leo had taken him out of State?

***

Twelve additional officers, a weekend, and a search of one hundred and ninety three houses and apartments along the coastal areas later, Hutch and the search party were back to square one. They didn't stumble upon a single clue about Starsky's whereabouts during the raids.

Sunday afternoon, after everyone else had gone home, Hutch remained in the squad room. They were still missing a part of the puzzle.

Shaye didn't miss anything that went on around her. She was furious when Damian and Ryan left Hutch by himself in the squad room. Where do they think they're going? They haven't found Starsky yet, and how dare they leave Softie here all by himself? Now I'll have to do all the hard work. These humans have no sense of compassion (sigh) there's not a moment of rest around here for me; work work work!

Shaye jumped onto Hutch's lap. She stood on her hind legs, placing her front paws on Hutch's chest. Hutch was startled by the sudden movement and opened his eyes to see two bright brown eyes staring at him.

"Hey, how are you?" Hutch asked.

 Shaye snapped. How am I? How do you think I'm doing? Five days now; FIVE days and still we haven't got him. How do you think I'm doing?

"Any ideas Shaye? Anything would do now," Hutch asked patting Shaye on her head.

Shaye broke into a rapid string of barks of three or four, pausing in between. Ideas? Are you asking me for ideas? That's swell! What have you been doing all these days looking over big papers and sheets and driving to all those awful places? After all these days you are asking me for ideas? Do I have to do all the work here? Don't you understand? He is NOT here. I have been telling you for days and days now, He is NOT here! So look elsewhere. If I knew where he was, I wouldn't stick with you- Oops... well, that didn't come out right. Sorry! But that's the truth. I'm putting up with you because I know you are trying to find him, but I've got news for you, Mr. Softie. He isn't anywhere around here- Now listen carefully, hear me out. If I wanted to kidnap Starsky, would I keep him around here? Who would be that dumb?

"What are you saying, Shaye? I wish I could understand you."

Shaye jumped back onto the floor and sat at Hutch's feet. He is hopeless… I have no idea what Starsky saw in him.

Hutch closed his eyes and started to massage his temple.

"Okay, think like Leo- If I'm Leo, and I kidnapped Starsky, what would I do?" he mumbled to himself. "If I wanted to take him away from all of this, what would I do?"

You would have taken him to a place far away from here, dummy, Shaye barked, furiously.

"I would have taken him to a place as far as possible, where no one would recognize me, to another country maybe?"

Okay, finally I'm getting to him, Shaye yelped, joyfully.

"Borders were informed. No. I won't try taking him across at this time. I'll stay in the States until the heat went down; until people stopped talking about the kidnapping. Somewhere in a place where I won't be recognized." Hutch snapped his fingers. "Of course! I won't be in California. I would've taken him away from California. Damn, damn, damn! - we were looking in the wrong place."

Hutch got up and spread the map on the table.

Well, Hellooo, what the hell do you think I've been telling you all these days? Of course you were looking in wrong places! That was a no brainer, and you call yourselves detectives? Shaye whined.

"He won't take him to the East Coast or even to the South. Too far to drive without attracting attention, and he wouldn't fly with Starsky. Closer areas- Coastal - Oregon... and Washington."

Hutch studied the railway tracks in Oregon and Washington, looking for places where it was close to the coast.

The postmark of the letter was LA, and that was their first mistake; to assume that Starsky was still here in LA or somewhere in California, but now he knew better.

He tried too hard earlier. He needed an open and fresh mind. Retrieving Starsky's letter from his desk drawer, he glanced at the words without reading any of them. What were the eye catching words-?

"Oh, Shit!"  Hutch couldn't believe he had missed the clue that was staring at him from Starsky's letter. It was so obvious. Starsky had clearly written down where he was held. Did he miss a clue as big and obvious as this?

***

Monday morning, Damian, Ryan, and rest of the officers who were involved in the search were summoned to Captain Maven's office. Captain Dobey and Shaye were in with Maven, but Hutch wasn't around.

"Hutchinson's on a flight to Washington. He figured out that Starsky is being held in Longview, near the Oregon-Washington border," Maven explained.

"In Longview? How the hell did Hutch come up with that idea?"

"Starsky's letter. He said to check the words that were crossed; something about writing them in two parts and he quoted you, Damian, saying something like, "Starsky wouldn't do anything if he didn't have a good reason."

They checked the letter, and found the words that were crossed.

Hutch told Captain Maven, "There's no reason to write a word in two parts. That's not the usual kind of mistake one would make, unless it was deliberate. He had double crossed the letters we should look at. One would think that double crossing means it shouldn't be considered, but Starsky was telling us otherwise. Starting from 'Dear Ken' to finishing it with 'Dave'- he wanted us to look for abnormalities. The only one thing he couldn't find was a 'w' for Longview, but what he had given us was more than enough. I was looking at this the whole time thinking something was off, but never saw it until it just hit me that we were looking for him in the wrong place." 

***

Captain Maven got hold of Longview Police Department Chief and explained the situation. By the time Hutch arrived in Longview, they already had the information Hutch needed.

A couple of weeks ago, a Toby Jenkins had registered a Black Ford Sedan with the Longview DMV. Longview PD already had an address.

Without wasting another minute, Hutch got to the little house with the Longview Police force. A detective from Longview Police Department, Jake Wards, worked with Hutch on the raid.

They approached the little beach house, blocking all entrances. Before they could get to the front door, Leo busted the door down, opening fire on the police officers. There was nothing Hutch could do other than fire back.

When Leo went down, Hutch shouted at the police team to stop. He ran up to Leo and kicked the gun away from him.  "Be with him. Call an ambulance," he ordered the police officers and ran into the house. He found Starsky in a room that had all the windows barred, sealed and locked. Starsky, looking pale and thin, was unconscious and cuffed to a bed.

Keys... keys to the cuffs? Hutch looked around, but found none.

"Starsky?" Hutch called out. It was almost a prayer. "Paramedics, NOW," he shouted at the police officers looming at the door.

"Starsky, Starsk? Can you hear me?" Hutch placed his hand against Starsky's neck. His pulse was weak, but steady.

"Detective Hutchinson," one of the officers called from outside. "He's asking for you,"

It took a couple of seconds for Hutch to realize that the officer was talking about Leo.

Leo, yes, and keys should be with him too. Hutch turned around to walk outside, noticing a big red smear on the wall in front of the bed where Starsky lay. Is that blood? Starsky's blood? He looked back at Starsky, but didn't see any visible injuries. Was someone else in this room?

"Do you think that's blood?" Detective Wards, who had followed Hutch's eyes, asked, pointing at the red smear on the wall.

"Anyone who bled that much wouldn't have survived."

The team of paramedics came rushing into the room, and Hutch reluctantly left Starsky's side, to hear out what the man who'd had Starsky for six days wanted to say. Six days! That was more than what he and Starsky had together.

Hutch knelt beside Leo. Blood trickled out of the corner of the man's mouth. He signaled Hutch to come closer.

Hutch bent forward to hear him better.

"You are too late, Hutchinson. You're as good as dead to him. He'll never… never… be yours. Never."

Hutch was taken aback by Leo's harsh words. Before he could ask what Leo meant, the light in Leo's eyes faded. His fist clenched at his chest, Leo exhaled his last breath.

So many un-answered questions.

Hutch saw a bunch of keys lying on the ground beside Leo. Picking it up, Hutch ran back into the house. He found a key among the bunch that un-cuffed Starsky. His wrists were swollen, bruised, and bloody. The cuffs had cut into him. Hutch gently touched the angry red marks on Starsky's arms, wishing he could make them disappear. 

From one nightmarish Scaris ordeal into another. Will Starsky ever be able to recover from this? 

Once the paramedics informed him that Starsky's condition was stable, Hutch, after consulting with Captain Dobey, made the decision that Starsky should be air-lifted and taken to LA. Hutch had to stay back to finish up the official work, since there was no one else from LAPD with him in Longview.

A crime lab team was already in Leo's house collecting and bagging each and every item. Hutch was informed by one of the officers about something that he should come and see in the other bedroom.

Wondering whether there was someone else tied up in the house as Starsky had been, Hutch walked into the second bedroom. He discovered a room that was full of pictures, and all of them were of Starsky. Each and every news article that had ever reported anything on the detective was on the walls. One of the articles bore a picture of a small boy. Hutch examined it closely and saw a grief-stricken little boy staring at a coffin in a cemetery. The article was about a cop named Michael Starsky, who had been shot dead in New York. Starsky's father? Leo had collected everything.

"This guy has built a fucking shrine room." Detective Wards, who'd followed Hutch, voiced what already was on Hutch's mind. "He's a fucking maniac."

Hutch discovered Detective Ward's favorite word.

"Detectives, look." One officer held an ID he recovered in the search.

Hutch couldn't believe his eyes when he saw whose picture it contained.  Leo had made a fake ID for Starsky, and the name was Julian Stobart.

Hutch felt nauseous and claustrophobic. Leo had planned everything to the very detail. A hide-out away from California, fake IDs for him and Starsky so that they wouldn't be tracked down. He had cleared his previous bank account and may have already opened a new one with his new ID or he may have been using just cash until everything calmed down. But he'd made the mistake of making Starsky write a letter; one mistake that Starsky capitalized on.  If not for that letter, they may never have found him.

"This guy is a fucking sadist."

Hutch took the last flight back to LA that night once the police procedures were complete at Longview. His destination was the St. Vincent hospital in LA.

***

The Tuesday LA Times news headlines read:

Detective David Starsky rescued by Longview Police team led by LAPD Detective Kenneth Hutchinson.

Seth Scaris (alias Leo) killed during the rescue operation.

Hutch sat at Starsky's bed in St. Vincent, waiting for his friend to wake up. Captain Dobey sat next to him. They were told that Starsky had been constantly drugged by Leo with sedatives and hallucinogens. There were no physical injuries other than the cut marks that were on his wrists where he was bound to the bed. According to the doctors, Starsky had not been raped or subjected to any type of physical torture. Once the drugs were flushed out of his system, he should be fine, they had said.

Damian and Ryan arrived after work. 

"Hutch." Damian placed his hand on Hutch's shoulder "You should get some sleep, you know. You've been on your feet for... how long now… two days…? Three days? Get some sleep, Hutch. Go home, we'll be here."

"No- I… I can't sleep. Not before he wakes up."

Captain Dobey wondered why Starsky was so important to this LAPD detective, who had not stopped until he found Starsky. The only other person in Dobey's books who had this much of dedication and perseverance was Starsky. Good match! He watched Hutch push back one of Starsky's stubborn curls that had found its way onto his face.  How did these two get together? Why did Hutchinson work untiringly until he found Starsky? Had they known each other before?

Hutch folded his arms on Starsky's bed and placed his head on them. Captain Dobey and the others tip-toed outside when they heard Hutch's heavy breathing. "There's nothing we can do for now. Let's come back later," Dobey said.

***

Starsky woke up later that night. He studied the tall blond sitting at his bedside; he looked as if he had not changed clothes in weeks, and not eaten for days. He was leaning his head against the chair with his eyes closed. Starsky studied the features for a while. He may have felt Starsky moving, because he opened his eyes. Starsky watched how his face lit up with a radiant smile that was as beautiful as the morning sunshine.

***

"Hey, you're awake," Hutch said, moving closer to the bed. "You had one long nap, buddy. Was about time you woke up. Let me call the nurse." He pressed the little button above the headboard.  "They'd want to check you first."

In less than a minute, two nurses came into Starsky's room. They took his pulse, checked his temperature and pressure.

"What happened?" Starsky asked, frowning at the IV tubes that were hanging around the bed. "Why am I in a hospital?"

"All in good time, now can you tell me your name?"

"Dave Starsky."

"Where do you live?"

"BC... That's Bay City, not British Colombia."

Hutch grinned, broadly. "Good to have you back, Starsky."

"What do you do for a living?" The nurse asked.

"I'm a cop. Now what's all this about?"

"Just relax, Detective Starsky. You have a long way to go. Your friend here can help you drink some water. We'll get some food to you, very soon."

 Watching the nurses leaving the room, Starsky yawned.

Hutch came back to Starsky's side. "How are you feeling?"

"Sleepy, and kind'a funny. Where am I? I mean... I know I'm in a hospital. But where?"

"LA- St. Vincent." Hutch helped Starsky to sit up in the bed. He placed extra pillows against Starsky's back to help him stay propped up.

Starsky frowned. "What was I doing in LA?" He thought hard for a moment. "Court house?" he frowned. Then in a moment his eyes widened as if he remembered something. "Shit!" he cursed. "Ron Scaris- What happened to the case? Did anything happen at the court house?"

"Scaris got the death sentence. That's what happened." Hutch handed a glass of water to Starsky.

"Then why am I here?"

"Leo… Leo kidnapped you. Don't you remember?"

"At the court house?"

"No, no. A couple of days after the case- at... near a restaurant." Hutch didn't like where the conversation was going. A sick feeling stirred itself in the pit of his stomach.

"A couple of days after the case? In LA? What was I doing in LA after the case?" Starsky asked taking a sip of the water.

"You… you stayed back, Starsky. What exactly can you remember?"

Starsky looked troubled and worried. "Who are you? Were you at the court house?" he asked. "I remember sitting and waiting for the verdict. That's all. I don't even remember hearing the verdict. So... who are you?"

Starsky didn't remember him. Hutch felt the blood drain out of his face as the reality of Starsky's words hit him hard. His lips trembled, searching for words. "Hutch. Hutchinson... Ken Hutchinson… LAPD."

"I don't recall that name." Starsky shook his head.

"It's alright. It'll come back later. Just relax and get some rest." Hutch placed his hand on Starsky's head, but retrieved it quickly. Starsky wouldn’t like the contact and wouldn't understand why I act the way I do, if he has no memories of me.

When Starsky settled back to get more sleep, Hutch went looking for Doctor Wagner who treated Starsky. How can he forget all those days?

***

"Amnesia," Doctor Wagner said, after studying Starsky's reports.

"But you said he had no injuries. Not to the head or to the body."

"Detective Hutchinson," Doctor Wagner motioned Hutch to sit.

Hutch pulled out a chair and sat across from Dr. Wagner's desk with thousands of questions in his mind. He wasn't going to like what he was about to hear; he felt it in his bones. Ever since he'd heard the last words Leo had said, he'd had this uneasy feeling that something was very wrong. 

"There are several causes for amnesia. Physical injury to the head is only one of them. Other factors are toxic substances, and most importantly, traumatic, stressful or emotional events."

"How long will it last? I mean, if it isn't a head injury, then it's something of a psychological effect... right? So… that means it will come back... soon?"

"It depends, especially if it's a repressed memory, one may never know when he'll get the memories back, if ever."

"Repressed memory? You mean he's blocking something from his mind?"

What had Leo done to him? What had he done so traumatic to cause Starsky to block all those memories? They'd never know unless Starsky told them.

"Well, he has no visible injuries, and the sedatives and other drugs he'd been given wouldn't cause memory loss. So in Detective Starsky's case, he is blocking something traumatic he experienced. Repressed memories are often associated with sexual abuse or rape, but we know that he had not been sexually abused either. I would say that he had been subjected to, or he has been under some kind of, extreme emotional stress that he is blocking those memories. Amnesia is also a psychological defense mechanism."

Starsky had been tortured to his limits at the hands of Ron Scaris, but he never blocked those. He didn't repress those memories. So what had Leo done that caused a stress so immense that he'd blocked everything out? Hutch counted; Starsky had blocked ten days of his life from his memory.

Did Leo know about the amnesia? Or was it something else he was talking about to Hutch?

"Is there a chance that he'll never release those memories? That he'll block them forever?"

"It is a possibility." Dr. Wagner nodded. "But look... listen. Detective Starsky just woke up, and it's very normal for him to not to remember anything at this stage. Give him another day or two."

Hutch prayed that to be true. He couldn't face the fact that Starsky wouldn't remember him. It just wasn't something he would accept. "After another couple of days, if he still doesn't remember, how can we bring the memories back? I mean... are there any treatments?"

"Some drugs will help, but I wouldn't recommend such treatments. Hypnosis could help, sometimes; however you know that it could very dangerous. The fact that he's blocking the past by himself means he's protecting himself from something horrible that happened which he doesn't want to think about."

"But… he didn't even remember anything of the days before he was kidnapped. There wasn't anything traumatic that happened in those days. He was on vacation. He was enjoying himself," with ice cream and cars and food and friends and... "It just doesn't make any sense."

"Like I said, just wait for a day or two- we'll see."

***

Three days later Starsky was released from the hospital, but nothing had changed in his condition.

Starsky remembered every single event that had taken place up to the point where he sat at the court house waiting for the verdict, but nothing thereafter. Moreover, with each passing day, it seemed like Starsky avoided talking to Hutch. When Hutch was around, Starsky fell silent without even wanting to meet his eyes.

Damian spent some time at the hospital with Starsky. He filled in Starsky's missing memories of what Starsky and Hutch had done together during the days Starsky was at LA, and on details of how Hutch had found where Leo was hiding Starsky. Starsky was not interested in hearing any of it. He switched topics whenever Damian brought up Hutch's name.

By then, Dobey had gone back to Bay City leaving Shaye behind with Hutch.

Starsky insisted on driving back to BC as soon as he was released from the hospital. Hutch met with a very peculiar friend of Starsky's, Huggy Bear, who had come to LA to take Starsky back to Bay City. Apparently, Starsky had asked Huggy to accompany him back to BC.

Damian drove Starsky and Huggy from the hospital and left them at Hutch's place so that Starsky could get his belongings, and Shaye, who wasn't behaving at all during the days Starsky was at the hospital. She knew Starsky was close by, and was furious because nobody took her to her him.

Hutch had prepared chicken and pasta for lunch, but Starsky refused food. He wasn't hungry, and he had stopped by to pick up his things. He just wanted to go home, as soon as possible.

Starsky frowned at the t-shirts that were on top of the pile of his clothes he was packing into his bag. "Are these mine?" he asked.

 "Yeah," Hutch said. "We picked them up because... errr... laundry wasn't done."

"Oh," Starsky said indifferently, packing the tees with rest of his clothes.

Huggy watched him very closely.

"Are you sure you want to leave today?" Hutch just didn't want to see Starsky leave LA, not yet... not like this.

"I need to go home- to my life. I've had enough of LA. I feel like I'm walking with the dead, and... I... I want to get away."

Starsky's sharp words cut through Hutch like shards of glass, reminding him of Leo's final words. 'You are as good as dead to him.'

"Hey, Starsky. I'll take the bags downstairs. You can come down when you're ready," Huggy said, picking up the two packed bags.

"Sure." Starsky shrugged his shoulders and turned back to Hutch. "I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what to say. It's just that-- I don't remember anything, and it's hard. It's hard for me to just stand here and act like I know you when I don't, and I feel nothing for you."

Hutch tightened his jaw and clenched his fist in frustration. None of the people he cared about and loved ever stayed with him for long or loved him back. Starsky was the only person who genuinely cared for him, but now Hutch felt as though all that was in another world, another life. He had to toughen up; after all, this was just another person whom he met along the line of duty, right? Yeah right! "I understand. I shouldn't have suggested such a thing. I would've wanted to get back home, too, if I had to go through what you've--"

"Don't," Starsky cut him out fiercely. "I don't know what I've been through because I don't remember a fucking thing. So just don't- All I want to do is go home, be in my own apartment, my own space. Sleep on my own bed, and just be me. I don't want to think of the times I can't remember. If the past's gone, then so be it. I don't care. Like the doctor said, if I'm blocking those memories, then I don't need to know what's in them. I may have erased them for a good reason."

Hutch looked away, trying to get a grip on his emotions. For the first time since he got to know Starsky, Hutch felt that it was indeed a good idea that Starsky was leaving LA. Hutch couldn't take the hurt anymore; he couldn't block the pain Starsky's words and actions had caused. You've totally wiped me out from your life, Starsky.

Starsky picked up the small bag that was left. Hutch had packed some of Shaye's stuff he had bought for her in it. He wasn't going to need them again.

"I- umm... I think I should go now," Starsky said, walking towards the door with Shaye following him closely.

"Take care of yourself." Hutch couldn't bring himself to bid Goodbye. 'This isn't Goodbye.'

Starsky opened the door and stepped outside.

Shaye walked a couple of feet and turned back. Hey Softie, aren't you coming with us? You know that Starsky isn't feeling well, don't you? Now come on, we have work to do. I can't handle him by myself, Shaye barked.

"I'll bring Shaye downstairs. Why don't you go, and get the rest of the things in the car," said Hutch, picking up Shaye.

"Sure." Starsky nodded, and climbed down the stairs, two at a time.

Hutch held Shaye close to him for a while. He had come to love the little dog as much as he loved Starsky. "Hey girl, you know that he doesn't remember me, right?" Hutch said, tickling Shaye where she liked it most.

Ahhh this is heaven.  Shaye tipped her head, enjoying all the attention she was getting. That is why she liked Softie. He just knew how to treat a girl, even though he couldn't understand a word she said.

"Take care of him, Shaye." Hutch's voice got thick. He couldn't let Starsky, Shaye, or the wild red Torino disappear from his life. He hugged Shaye close to his heart, not allowing his emotions to get the better of him.

As if feeling something was very wrong, Shaye kept on licking Hutch's face and arms.

"Hutch?"

Hutch straightened up at Huggy's voice. He must have come up the stairs to see why it was taking Hutch so long to bring Shaye down. Hutch got himself together, wiping his face with the back of his hand, and handed over Shaye to Huggy. "Take her with you- I... err... I can't come downstairs."

"Don't worry, Hutch. He'll be all right, and he'll remember. I know he's important to you, and if you were important to him the same way he is to you, I'm sure he'll remember all of it. Just be patient."

"Will you let me know if... if you see any changes in him? I'm just worried. It's not just the fact that he doesn't remember. It's why he doesn't remember that's bothering me. Keep an eye on him. He may believe he's all right, but he isn't."

"Don't worry. You call me whenever you want, and I'll give an update of our man. If I see something weird I'll give you a ring, right away, how about that?"

"Thanks, Huggy."

They exchanged telephone numbers, and Huggy took his leave.

Hutch walked up to the window and watched the red Torino disappearing around the corner of the street. Eyes stinging, he turned back to face the cold, silent, and empty apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                               Chapter 9: A Loss of a Friend

Two weeks had passed since Starsky went back to BC.

Hutch did his best to talk, work, and deal with his colleagues at the department in his usual way, but Damian and Ryan knew better. They always had excuses to seek help from Hutch. Suddenly Damian's kids needed a babysitter during weekends, Damian needed help in fixing a leaking roof that got mended by itself by the time Hutch arrived, and since he was there why not stay for supper; Ryan needed help in picking out a new suit to attend his cousin's wedding. Even Captain Maven needed Hutch's help in picking out a present for his grand daughter's birthday. Hutch knew what they were trying to do and appreciated the concern, but nothing helped in lessening the pain and the pressure that choked him from the middle of his chest.

"He'll come to his senses, Hutch. You just have to be patient," said Damian who had met with Hutch one Friday night for drinks. Since Starsky's departure, Damian had made a habit of going out with Hutch whenever time permits.

Hutch hated nightfall. He wasn't having any nightmares of the dead kids that kept him awake anymore, but now, whenever he fell asleep, most of the time he would wake up hearing Leo's final words. He was too late… too late to get to Starsky, and Leo had done something to change Starsky, and make him forget everything. It was entirely Hutch's fault. He allowed Leo to kidnap Starsky under his watchful eyes, and then didn't get to Starsky until the damage was done.

Hutch sighed. "He doesn't even remember me. He doesn't even want to talk to me, anymore."

"He will remember. I'm sure of it. Give him some time. Starsky never forgets!"

Hutch wished and hoped Damian was right.

***

Hutch called Huggy every day during the first week. According to Huggy, everything was fine with Starsky, and Huggy had said that if he saw something odd, he would call Hutch. Hutch had called Starsky's apartment a couple of times, but it always gave a busy signal.

Hutch hadn't heard back from Huggy for a week. It was time to check the situation.

"Hey, Huggy."

"Ahhh, De-tec-tive Hutch-inson!" Huggy drawled.

"How's it going, Huggy?"

"It's going alright, but glad you called. I've noticed something off with our man, Hutch. Everything's not fine and dandy here."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Well… looks like he's not getting that much sleep. Yesterday he was at my joint, for his usual drink, and it seems like he gets these headaches once in a while and they are huge- I mean rocky mountain huge! Then… his eating habits… very strange- He's not eating. You know how much he likes to eat, but now-"

"Did he have headaches before? I mean before all this happened?"

"Not that I know of. He is very un-Starsky-material these days. Acts weird, as if he doesn't care for anything in this world anymore. This isn't like him."

"Did he ever talk to you about anything at all?"

"LA and anything to do with LA is a prohibited topic around him. So, no. He never mentions LA."

 This wasn't what Hutch hoped to hear. "Thanks, Huggy. Keep me posted." Hutch hung up.

***

The next day a package was hand delivered to Hutch from Longview Police Department. It contained all the evidence collected from Leo's house in which Starsky was held captive. Hutch spent the whole day going through each and every piece that was separately packed and tagged.  One item caught his attention; a silver locket. He remembered Leo's friend at the Grocery store talked about a locket that was around his neck. He also remembered Leo had his fist at his chest at the time he died in Longview.

Hutch opened the locket. It contained a small picture of Starsky and a lock of dark hair.

Is this Starsky's hair? Did Leo manage to cut the hair when Starsky was captured by Ron Scaris?

When describing his time at Ron Scaris's place, Starsky mentioned that when he had lost and regained consciousness, and once he was out of the torture room, he saw Leo with a pair of scissors. Was it then that he obtained Starsky's hair?

Leo had been hopelessly obsessed with Starsky, wanting to own and possess him. Leo had become a prisoner of his own desires, unable to let go and think beyond what he was feeling.

Sound familiar Hutchinson? Isn't that what has happened to you? Finding it difficult to let go of him when he has clearly indicated that he doesn't want you in his life? Hutch tried to shut out the voices in his head. No, it's not the same. I don't feel the same. Starsky's the one true friend that accepted me for who I am and what I am. I'd never force him to stay with me. I only want to know the truth behind what's preventing him from remembering the past.  

Hutch quickly skimmed the rest of the items. He came across a report for blood analysis. The blood smear they had found in Starsky's room had been tested; he frowned at the result.

"Glucose, Fructose and cochineal?" Ryan asked, reading the analysis report. He and Damian had joined Hutch after finishing up with their weekly reports.

"What's cochineal?" asked Damian.

"A red dye used in fabrics, cosmetics, and also in cakes, drinks and stuff," answered Hutch. His grandmother used it to color the frosting when decorating cakes for his birthdays.

"So someone threw a drink or something that had cochineal on the wall. Maybe Starsky himself threw something he had been given to drink, do you think?"

"Makes sense, but I saw it, guys. It wasn't like someone threw it on the wall. It was splattered and smeared. It looked thick and dark. It looked just like blood."

"Someone wanted to make it look like blood, then?" Ryan suggested.

Hutch snapped his fingers. "Yes. Yes, Ryan. That's it. Fake blood. That's what's used in Hollywood as fake blood. Corn syrup and red dye. Corn syrup is a mixture of glucose and fructose."

"Alright, so we know what it is. Now, the question is why?"

Back to square one. They had no clue as to why.

"Well, at least we don't have to look for more bodies," replied Hutch.

He felt that he had the answer he sought in the evidence he had in front of him, but he wasn't seeing it. He began to pace back and forth in the squad room.

"Will you stop that, and just stay put? My head's buzzing seeing you walking up and down," complained Ryan.

"Dammit." Hutch pounded the wall with his fist. Why wasn't he seeing it?

"You want to knock down the walls, go find some condemned place downtown. Saves the constructors a shit load of money," Damian snickered, pouring a cup of coffee at the coffee cart.

"Calm down, Hutch. Three heads together are better than one, so let's get the facts," Ryan started. "Leo lusted over Starsky for over six months. He had collected memorabilia of Starsky; everything he could get his hands onto, even his hair. That tells us the extent of his obsession with Starsky."

With the steaming coffee mug in hand, Damian sat beside Ryan. "He had a place to keep Starsky, he had fake IDs for both of them, which tells us he is a mastermind and that he planned everything to the last detail."

Ryan looked up at Hutch. "The case was over on a Friday, but Leo waited until Tuesday to kidnap Starsky. I'm sure he had many chances to get him before that, but he didn't- Why? We know that he already had the IDs and the house in Longview by then. He had a car registered as Toby Jenkins. That's all he needed to get Starsky, but he waited until Tuesday. Why?"

Hutch leaned against the wall, recalling Starsky's conversation with Captain Dobey, the day after the case that Saturday at the Holiday Inn. 'He is here- No, I haven't seen him, but he's here.' Those were Starsky's exact words; he was aware of Leo's presence. "You are getting somewhere, Ryan. Friday was the best day to kidnap Starsky. He was going back to BC the next day and Leo could've grabbed him very easily while he was going back to Holiday Inn on Friday night."

"So why didn't he?" Ryan asked.

"Because I was with him."  

Ryan and Damian had not heard that part of the events, and Hutch wasn't going to elaborate on what went on between them that night. "It's a long story, but I was with him. I was drunk and… well, Starsky helped me out. Let's leave it at that."

"So… you prevented the kidnapping on Friday, but what about Saturday- Sunday- and Monday?"

"Starsky and I were together whole day Saturday, and Sunday morning. Starsky went shopping on Sunday afternoon. Leo could have got him on Sunday if he wanted."

"Starsky came to meet me Sunday afternoon," said Damian.

"Leo called Starsky Sunday night, at my apartment. From the bits and pieces of the conversation I heard I knew Leo was asking Starsky about me. From Friday to Sunday Leo had decided that Starsky and I were a couple. He was collecting evidence to support his theory. He followed us after that. He was at the museums. He may have even been to the Arboretum, though we didn't see him, and then he made his move on Tuesday night at the restaurant."

They were getting somewhere, but where?

"Then we received Starsky's letter that Friday, which must have been mailed on Thursday. We know he was in LA to mail that letter to make us believe that they were still here somewhere in LA. So he drove to LA on Thursday, or maybe on Wednesday. Mailed the letter and went back to Longview."

"We don't know what may have taken place during the last couple of days after mailing the letter, but we busted him on Monday."

"And there's still the mystery of the big red patch on the wall."

Hutch signaled them to be quiet. "Starsky's memory. He doesn't remember anything starting from Friday."

Damian and Ryan watched Hutch, silently.

"The court house… the verdict. Is he blocking hearing the verdict?" Hutch paced the room. "But he has no reason to block that. So what happened after the verdict was read?" Hutch stopped in front of Ryan, clutching a chair with both hands. "He... he just sat there for a while, and then he… Oh, shit!" Hutch's heart sank.

"What?" Both Ryan and Damian asked together.

"That was when he and I-- shit!" Hutch pushed the chair against the table in frustration. "Just after the verdict was read he stood up, and looked at me, straightaway." The first time their eyes met- the moment of recognition.  "Starsky's blocking me. He isn't trying to block anything that Leo did. He's blocking me out of his memories. And he started where we began. He's trying to tell himself that we never met."

Ryan and Damian looked stunned.

But WHY? Why did Starsky block Hutch and their memories?

"You are too late, Hutchinson. You are as good as dead to him. He'll never be yours," Hutch mumbled.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Damian asked.

"Those were Leo's last words." 

"Oh, come on, Hutch. Leo was a manipulator. He was messing with you."

Hutch shook his head. "Those words were chosen especially for me, and he had a damn good reason for that."

"Do you think Leo brainwashed or hypnotized Starsky to hate you? I mean... I know during the last two days at the hospital, it was clear that Starsky didn't even want to talk to you," said Damian.

"Makes sense... doesn't it?" Hutch smiled, sadly.

Starsky hated him. It was obvious. Leo may have brewed up a concoction of stories and fed it into a drugged Starsky, making him hate Hutch; a hatred that was so immense that he had blocked all memories of Hutch and convinced himself that they had never laid eyes on each other.

Like Leo said, Hutch was too late in finding Starsky, and now he was gone from his life forever.

The squad room telephone rang and the officer who picked up the phone called Hutch. "Mitch wants to talk to you."

Hutch answered the phone. "What is it, Mitch?"

"I know you got that detective Starsky rescued safe and all, but there's someone you should talk to. This guy, Ray, tells some weird stuff, Hutch. I think you should talk to him because I sure can't make any sense of it."

"I'll be there in ten minutes," Hutch promised Mitch, and turned around. "I need to go talk to Mitch. See you guys later."

At this point Hutch would have listened to anyone who had even heard so much as a sneeze from Starsky during those six days.

He arrived at Mitch's Pub and approached the guy who sat at the bar, chatting with Mitch. Hutch held his breath when Ray turned around to face Hutch; the resemblance was uncanny. Hutch was speechless.

"That's why I wanted you to come and see him for yourself, and listen to what he had to say," said Mitch, noticing how shocked Hutch was.

The story Ray told was even more bizarre, but it had all the answers Hutch searched for.

"Mitch, you have no idea how important this is. This… This's the last piece of the puzzle I was looking for all these days."

In another twenty minutes, Hutch was at St. Vincent hospital talking to Doctor Wagner, who had treated Starsky after his ordeal. Hutch explained everything he knew about Starsky's kidnapping events and what he had just heard from Ray.

"I have seen one case like this in my whole life, but the circumstances were very different," said Dr. Wagner after listening to Hutch's story. "She was a twelve year- old girl, raped by her one of her closest relatives. She had blocked the whole incident, but she had blocked just one day of her life, unlike the ten days Detective Starsky has done here. But you know by now why he had to block all ten days. It was all or nothing for him."

"What happened to the girl?"

"She started to get flashes of the incident, and with that came the headaches. When once you block your memories, and later, make an effort to bring them back, your brain will do everything possible to halt it. The headache is a coping mechanism, a defense mechanism that prevents access to those memories."

"So the girl, is she all right now?"

Doctor Ward shook his head. "Unfortunately, no. She wrote a note about the rape and took her own life. Now this doesn't necessarily mean that Detective Starsky would do anything like that. He wasn't raped. His reasons for blocking the past are very different."

"Can you help him?"

"In this case, only you can help him, Detective Hutchinson. There are no drugs capable of stopping those headaches, because it is psychological. He'll have to face his demons one way or the other."

"How can I help him?"

"Help him to remember, and along the way you'll have to figure out how to handle his pain. We can get him to the hospital and try to restrain him to stop him from hurting himself. We can drug him to give him temporary relief, but--"

"No, no. I can't do that to him. No restraints. No drugs, but any pain reliever that you'd recommend? Maybe something that'd help him sleep if he ever needs it."

By the time Hutch left the hospital, his head buzzed with all the information he'd received during the past couple of hours. He had to get to Starsky as soon as possible.

You are too late, Hutchinson. You're as good as dead to him.

You're the one who's dead, Leo. Not me!

Hutch visited with Captain Maven, explaining everything that had happened at Mitch's pub, what Ray had told him, and his decision to go to Bay City. He needed time off.

"Take all the time you need. Do what you have to do," Captain Maven said, dismissing Hutch.

Hutch left the squad room carrying his light brown leather jacket over his shoulders. It was getting chilly outside.

Hutch packed some clothes into his bag. He was going to stay for a while. A drive of two hours; he felt like it was eternity. Hutch prayed Starsky would still be in one piece until he reached him.

Before leaving for Bay City, Hutch tried to reach Starsky at his apartment, but as usual, the signal was busy. He called Huggy, but he was at the dentist. Dammit, Huggy- did you just happen to have a tooth ache today?

He wasn't prepared to allow Starsky to block the memories they shared anymore. If only he could get to him on time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                   Chapter 10: Chaos in Bay City

Two weeks had passed since Starsky returned home. He should have felt like a newborn. He should have been relieved to leave all the memories of Leo behind.  Relieved because Leo was not a threat to his life anymore. Then why was he feeling 'dead', despite being a new born?

Something was terribly wrong with him. Starsky needed help, but who could help him? He didn't want to go to a doctor.

That morning he could barely make it out of the bed. Leo's voice and nightmares had kept him awake all night. He called in sick and promised Dobey that he'd go see a doctor, but he didn't.

His eyes wandered through the apartment. He was someone who was clean and tidy. Habits developed in the army weren't going anywhere, yet. However, his travelling bags from the LA trip were still lying in a corner, untouched.

Starsky found a note pad on the dining table. He decided to scribble down the changes he'd observed in himself.

1.       Bags- Unpacked

Shaye sat at the couch, turning her head and perking her ears every time Starsky made a move. He used to go for walks with Shaye along the beach. He used to go sit on the rocks and gaze at the sea for ages and ages, but now he hated the sound of the waves.

2.      Beach- X

Starsky's stomach rumbled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten for a long time. He loved food, but nothing seemed to interest him now. He never thought he would lose his appetite!

3.      Food - XX

Chewing on the pen, Starsky glared at the phone he'd unplugged as soon as he arrived home from LA. He, who was an easy-going, social and friendly guy, now seemed to pull away from human contact. He wasn't even going to the Pits that often.

4.     Talking - XXX

Feeling the need for a drink, he walked over to the refrigerator and got a beer. He opened the freezer compartment to see what he had in it, and frowned at the ice cream. He had bought the Wall's vanilla ice-cream tub a few days before going to LA, but never touched it after getting back; another mystery. His favorite food now made him nauseous.

5.      Ice-cream - XXXXXXX

Feeling a throbbing pain at his temples, he closed the freezer quickly. He suffered severe headaches, nowadays. Not just slight, sinus pressure-like, mild headaches. These were humongous.

The first attack came when he was at work a couple days ago. He was sitting in the squad room, and Babcock walked in with some lilies that he had bought for his wife.

 "Hey, aren't those toxic?" Starsky asked, surprised as to how he knew that.

"Well, Starsky. Aren't you quite the Horticulturist?"

"I'm not!" Starsky replied, wondering how he got to know about lilies. It was then he got the first wave of the pain. It was so sudden and so painful that he gasped and clutched his head with both of his hands, banging it on the desk to stop the pain.

Babcock was on the verge of calling an ambulance when the headache just vanished. He forgot all about it until it came back the next day when Huggy had said that Starsky looked like he could do with some milk and sugar, placing a big vanilla and chocolate ice-cream in front of him. The intensity of the headache made him dash to the men's room to throw up.

6.     Headaches!

As if that wasn't enough, he had started to hear Leo's voice in the night.

               "I'm going to keep you safe, Dae. No one will ever harm you again. You're safe with me."

Starsky woke up with a jolt, and he barely made it to the bathroom before he emptied his stomach. He couldn't bear the throbbing pain in his head, and of the dry heaves that threatened to flush out his stomach lining. The intensity of the painful spasms seemed to increase with each attack. He was sure one of these days his head was going to burst into pieces.

"Get out of my head. Leave me alone, you bastard. Just leave me alone," Starsky screamed.

7.     Dreams-Leo

Dammit! Starsky threw his pen on the table. I lost ten days of my life. So what? It's just ten days! Why should my whole life change just because of ten days?

Leaving his notes and the beer on the coffee table, Starsky shuffled to the bedroom.

A cold front was passing through California, and the atmosphere had become very chilly. By the evening the temperature had dropped to the lower forties.

Starsky dug in and found a pair of clean red socks in the bottom of the chest. He grabbed a couple of blankets from the closet. Wrapping himself in the covers, he made himself comfortable on the couch, praying that he wouldn't hear any voices from the past. He flipped through TV channels trying to find something interesting to watch.  He noticed that his feet had escaped from the white blankets and were sticking out.

Feet with red socks, and a body wrapped with a white blanket. It was deja vu all over again.

A memory so vivid flashed across his mind. A memory of him holding Hutch. Hutchinson? The guy who found me? The guy who saved me?  What the heck? How could this be? What was I doing with him?

He couldn't afford to try to remember anymore as another unbearable, agonizing pain engulfed him. He cried out, yelling and clutching the couch in vain, trying to block out the memory that was torturing him. 

"Go away- all of you. Leave me alone. I can't take this anymore. Go away."

8.     Hate tall blonds!!!!!

The only living being in the apartment with Starsky was Shaye, and she watched Starsky suffering, helplessly. Starsky was beyond her help. Shaye had done everything she could, but nothing seemed to work. She kept close to him. Slept with him. Listened to everything he said, and agreed with all his ideas one hundred percent. These actions had helped to get him out of his earlier ordeal, and he had responded to her marvelously, but now nothing seemed to work. She kept him company wherever he went, and that was not that much these days; he barely went out once he came in. He took Shaye out for walks but they were very short.

I told Softie that he had to come with Starsky, but did he listen to me? No! He just allowed Starsky to come here all by himself. Ahhh... wait until I get my paws on you, Softie. I know you are not around -I don't smell you nearby, but if you ever come this way, I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget, if that's the last thing I  do... mark my words.

***

Hutch had to stop several times to check the map to find Starsky's apartment. He turned his LTD to Ridgeway and twentieth. He didn't have to check the number to find Starsky's house. Hutch parked his car in front of a two-storied apartment.  A garage on the first floor, and the too familiar white-striped red Torino parked in its driveway. There were no lights shining through the windows; a cold shiver ran through him. Was it the sudden change in the Californian weather or the eerie silence in the surroundings?

No lights? Was Starsky out somewhere? Has he gone for a walk, but in this weather? Or was he sleeping? Hutch checked the time. It was close to 8 pm. 

Hutch jumped out of his car and pulled the travel bag out. A familiar yelp made him smile. Shaye!

Hutch climbed the stairs that reached the front door. "Starsky," he called out, knocking on the door.  Shaye's barking intensified.

"Come on, Starsky. Open the door," Hutch called out a bit louder, but got no response.

He tried the door knob, and it opened. It wasn't locked. Was this normal? Doesn't Starsky lock his door?  

As soon as he stepped inside, a crazy little brown and white ball jumped onto him, claiming each and every inch of his body she had access to. Apparently, Shaye forgot all about the lessons she was planning on teaching Hutch.

"Oh, God. Stop it, Shaye. Ahh, stop. Hey, jeez girl, someone would think you actually are pleased to see me," he said, patting the excited little dog and putting her back on the floor. 

As soon as her feet touched the ground, Shaye ran away from Hutch.

Hutch couldn't see where Shaye disappeared to; it was dark. He searched and found the light switch. He turned on the lights and shut the door. His heart skipped a beat when he spotted Starsky lying on the floor near the couch. Shaye was right beside him.

Hutch was at Starsky's side in a flash, checking his pulse, and feeling his temperature.

Starsky was cold and clammy; signs of an emotional turmoil.

"How long has he been like this, Shaye?" Hutch asked. "A long time?"

Shaye whined, pressing her nose against Hutch.

"Starsky," Hutch gently shook Starsky, kneeling beside him. "Wake up, Starsky. Come on, buddy. This's no place to go to sleep."

Starsky looked half-unconscious, half-asleep; he had a steady, strong pulse. Starsky was alive, and that's all that mattered at this point.

Leaving Starsky on the floor, Hutch went in search of a towel. Rummaging through a closet, he found a couple of clean towels. Soaking one in warm water, he came back to Starsky and wiped off the sweat that was sitting on his forehead, above his upper lip, and on his cheeks and neck.

Grabbing the cushions out of the couch, he lifted Starsky's head and placed the pillows underneath.

"If this is where you wanted to sleep, Starsky, you should've at least used a pillow," Hutch kept on talking and checking on Starsky. He looked around the apartment, registering what it contained.

How little did he know about Starsky? What was he doing here? Was he even qualified to be here and to take care of a man who was suffering from amnesia? Could he wipe off the terror a sadistic kidnapper had filled Starsky's mind with?

He found a note pad on the coffee table and opened it. He found an itemized list scribbled in Starsky's handwriting. A crease formed in his brow, but it didn't take that long to realize what Starsky had done, and what the list was all about. The last note on the list of facts made him smile; hate tall blonds.

"Well, Starsky. This tall blond is here to stay, and you better revise this list."

Hutch found the phone in the living room that was yanked away from its socket. He plugged it in and dialed the number of The Pits. He was told that he just missed Huggy, again. Hutch asked for Huggy's home phone number, but Anita, the girl at the bar, didn't want to give it to a stranger.

"Okay then," Hutch said, impatiently. "Could you please call Huggy and ask him to call Hutch at Starsky's apartment?"

Anita said she would do that.

It didn't take that long for Huggy to get back to Hutch.

"Holy mother of-- It is you. I thought Anita had it wrong. What are you doing there, bro? Something wrong with Starsky?"

Hutch explained very briefly why and what he planned to do.

"So how are you going to perform this exorcism?"

"I'll figure it as I go. To tell the truth, I don't have a solid plan, but I think I have a starting point," Hutch said, looking at Starsky's scribbled notes.

"What should I do?"

"I need to take him away from this apartment. This's a familiar place, and he'd try to stay in his comfort zone without trying to move away. Do you know any place closer to the beach where I can keep him until this's over? The next few days won't be pretty, and having a quiet place away from people would help."

The beach, the sounds, Hutch hoped that would help jog Starsky's memory.

"I'll get back to you. I think I know a joint for you to disappear with him."

Hutch walked into the kitchen looking for something edible. The fridge was almost empty except for a milk carton, some cheese, and a couple of jam bottles. He opened the kitchen cupboards and found some bread, breakfast cereal- Cocoa Puffs and Kellogg's Sugar Smacks, and Sugar Bear. Why am I not surprised? Hutch shook his head.

He turned in time to see a flicker of movement on Starsky's face.

He strode quickly back to the couch. "Starsky?"

Starsky blinked a couple of times and frowned. "You?" A groan escaped Starsky's lips. "Go away," he mumbled.

"Best welcome I ever got," Hutch sneered.

"Don't remember invitin' you in," Starsky grumbled.

"Oh, don't worry. Shaye did the inviting."

"Why are you here?" Starsky asked.

"You and that rug you have in there on the floor have some kind of a sleeping arrangement, or what?" asked Hutch ignoring Starsky's question.

"None of your damn business, Hutchinson. You are not wanted in here."

"Sorry, Starsk. Half of your household agrees with me staying. Right, Shaye?" Hutch asked Shaye, who was looking back and forth at the two men.

Hearing her name, she barked, happily.

"You stay out of this," Starsky yelled.

Shaye got very frightened. Starsky had never shouted at her before. She left them, whining, and crawled under the dining table with a woebegone expression.

Hutch went after the little dog and carried her, scratching her under the ears. "He didn't mean it, Shaye. Don't cry," he crooned, and turned towards Starsky. "Did you have to do that? You scared the hell out of the poor thing."

"How did you get so chummy with my girl?" Starsky asked, pulling himself up from his sleeping position.

"She stayed with me until--" Hutch stopped, seeing Starsky on the couch, resting his head in his palms. Hutch moved closer, watched him for a while, and continued. "Until we found you. Why Starsky, you even sent me a note while you were with Leo, asking me to take care of Shaye. Don't you remember?" he added.

"NO," Starsky snapped. "No. I don't remember, and I don't want to remember."

"If you're thinking of ways to get rid of me, Starsk, I have news for you. It's not happening," Hutch smirked.

"Just because we spent a night together doesn't mean that you have any hold over me, Hutchinson, and I've got news for you, too. It didn't mean anything to me," Starsky spat back.

Hutch's eyes widened with surprise. "Well, well, well." He smiled. This could be one way to make Starsky 'want' to remember his past. Hutch smiled at the thought. It just might work. "Which night are you talking about, Starsk?" Hutch asked stepping closer to Starsky. "'cos there was more than one, you know? Or haven't you remembered the rest, yet?"

Starsky's dark blue eyes were blazing with anger. Gritting his teeth he stared at Hutch warningly.

If there was ever a look that could kill a man, this would be it, Hutch thought. But he wasn't going to back off now. "Don't you remember how we ended up in bed together, Starsk?" Hutch asked, sensing, but ignoring that he was treading on dangerous ground.

In a flash, Starsky turned towards Hutch, grabbing him and knocking him over to the ground. 

Hutch winced in pain when his back hit the floor. He felt the cold sterile floor through his shirt and shivered. Expecting a full-blown fist on his face, he turned to a side, but the attack never came. Instead Starsky pulled Hutch up. "You stay away from me. Do you hear me? Stay the hell away from me," he shouted at Hutch, shaking him vigorously, and pushing him back onto the floor. "I don’t want you anywhere near me."

Starsky could have just beaten Hutch to death, but he hadn't. Hutch took it as a good sign. Watching Starsky from the corner of his eyes, Hutch sat on the floor, legs bent at the knees. He placed his arms behind him, resting a portion of weight on them. "You still don't remember anything. Do you, Starsk? It's just bits and pieces of memory you're trying to put together."

"Shut the fuck up, Hutchinson. You have no right to be here."

"I'm not leaving, Starsky," Hutch said, authoritatively. "Sooner you get that into that thick skull of yours, the better it is for both of us. If you want to get rid of me, prove that you're man enough to handle the truth behind the memories you're trying to shut off."

Hutch had to provoke Starsky to get him to try to remember. Right now the only way was to get him out of his element, and make him so confused that he couldn't help but make an effort to remember what went on between them. If the memories start flowing, Hutch hoped it would eventually get to the end where the real reason was lying, waiting to be unleashed.

"Don't talk to me about things you don't know," Starsky growled.

"Ah!" Hutch sneered. "And… you know all of it?"

"I don't want to remember. That's my choice."

"And my decision is to stay until you do. Somebody has to win, Starsky, and this is one game I'm not going to lose." Hutch pushed himself up and stood, avoiding the glares Starsky was giving him. "I'm going to make something to eat with what you have in here, which is not much. Don't you eat these days, Starsk?"

"Now what? You gonna be my maid or somethin'?"

"You sure do know how to make a guy blush." Hutch stretched his back, trying to ease the back pain that was bothering him a bit.

"Did I- Did I hurt you?"

Hutch was surprised that Starsky really showed some concern. "Wasn't that your intention?"

Starsky's jaw tightened. "You shouldn't have come here."

Hutch checked the food items and decided that the only edible thing he could prepare for the day was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He also poured some hot cocoa for them. Knowing Starsky's sweet tooth, he made it with lots of sugar. He brought their dinner to Starsky who had gone back to the couch.

"Eat." Hutch placed Starsky's sandwich and cocoa on the coffee table. "You'll feel better afterwards."

"'M not hungry," Starsky said, making a face.

"Eat, please." Hutch touched Starsky's shoulder lightly.

Starsky winced at the contact but didn't withdraw. He absentmindedly rubbed the spot where Hutch's fingers had brushed. "No point eating. It'll all come out," Starsky said, and paused for a second, "from the end it's not supposed to come out."

Hutch broke into a fit of laughter. "Sorry, buddy, but listen. You know it's good to eat, so that at least there's something to throw up. Having something is better than not having anything."

"Tell me about it," Starsky muttered. He took a bite of the sandwich. It tasted good and the hot cocoa felt heavenly. It was perfectly done; just the way he liked it. How much does Hutchinson know about me? What happened between us? Starsky stopped himself before his thoughts could wonder away.

Starsky had been Leo's prisoner for six days, and he had spent four days with Hutch, but it seemed like Hutch knew all about him. Starsky had spent those days at Hutch's apartment. And Hutchinson calls him Starsk. Starsk! A nickname no one had ever used on him. Why? Why? Why?

 "I may not know everything about you, Starsk," Hutch began as if he could read Starsky's thoughts. "I only had four days with you – But I learnt what makes you tick. Depending on your mood for the day, you like your coffee either really strong or topped with cream and sugar, which is about four times of an average person's daily intake, your staple is candy bars, you shower twice a day, you shave twice a day, or at least you did so when you were with me, and you sleep shirtless, but when it comes to your pajama bottoms –"

"Enough!" Starsky cut Hutch off effectively. "I know who I am. You don't have to tell me of myself."

"Do you? Do you really know who you are, Starsk?"

"Mind your own business, Hutchinson," Starsky growled. He didn't want to be reminded of anything he didn’t know of himself. He surely didn’t want another headache.

***

Hutch took the couch and arranged the pillows Starsky had got for him. Switching off the lights in the living room, he lay down on Starsky's sofa. He was so tired and exhausted that he fell asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow.

Shaye settled down at Starsky's feet in his bed; she had been very quiet after Starsky had yelled at her.

Starsky tossed and turned for some time. Why was Hutchinson here? Why was he trying to get me to remember everything? He didn't want to go to sleep because his dreams were now ruled by Leo. But Starsky was tired, and he drifted off to a dark alley where he could hear no one, see no one, and feel no emotions.

Starsky was uncomfortable; his neck hurt. He tried to reach the spot of throbbing pain, but couldn't. His hands were cuffed, and he was in a car that was moving very fast. It was dark outside, and he was tightly bound to the seat. He couldn't move, but he needed to touch his neck, just touch his neck, to relieve the pain.

"I'm sorry I had to do this to you, but I didn't have a choice. You gave me no other choice, Dae."

But Starsky was hurting. Leo had hurt him. Starsky wriggled in the car seat.

"What is it, Dae?" 

The next minute the trees stopped moving. He looked out of the car window but it was pitch black.  He leaned against the headrest and closed his eyes. A cold hand touched his forehead.

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, but I had to do it. You were confused, Dae. You didn't know what you were doing, and the people around you were corrupting you. I couldn't let that happen."

"Where are we going?"

"To a place where we'll be safe. You'll see."

"I want to go home."

"We are going home. Our home, Dae. You and me, we're free now."

"No. No, Leo."

"Please don't make this difficult. I don't want to hurt you, but if you don't stay calm I'd have to give you another shot."

"No, no. Not again."

"Then don't make me do it. I love you, and I don't want to hurt you."

"You have already hurt me."

"You'll understand later. You're just confused now, Dae."

Starsky smelled Leo's aftershave, and then he felt Leo's soft lips on his temple.

"I love you."

Starsky struggled to get away from Leo, feeling nauseous and helpless. "Stop it. I don't love you, Leo. I don't want you. I never did."

"You are mine, Dae, and I'm yours, forever."

"Take your hands off me, Leo. Don't- don't touch me."

Hutch woke up hearing Starsky's screams.

"Go away, you bastard!" Starsky yelled.

Holding Starsky by the shoulders, Hutch shook him trying to free him from the nightmare he was trapped in. "Wake up, Starsky."

"Let go of me. Leo, no. Don't," Starsky moaned, and thrashed his head from side to side. His hands were clenched into tight, rigid fists, as if he couldn't move them.

Hutch's heart shattered into pieces at Starsky's pleas. Was Leo hurting him in ways we didn't know? "Wake up, please, Starsk. Leo's gone forever. He can't hurt you anymore."

Starsky's struggling slowed down, as he woke up. "Leo?" he asked, confused.

"It wasn't real, Starsk. It was a nightmare."

"It was real. I was with Leo," Starsky mumbled. "We were in a car, and --Oh, God. Oh, no..." Starsky curled up into a tight ball, grabbing his head. "I can't. I can't go on. I shouldn't remember these things. Please stop this," he wailed.

"I wish I could, Starsk."  Oh, God. Please... please help him. Help us, please. Hutch prayed while holding Starsky's trembling body in his arms.

So is this how it is? Is this how the brain stops him from retrieving his memories? One hell of a defense system! It's killing him!

Starsky wriggled out of Hutch's hold. "Not feelin' good---" he darted out, slamming into the walls and doors getting to the bathroom where he stumbled. Hutch followed him and watched Starsky retching violently. Quickly grabbing a towel, Hutch wet it and knelt beside Starsky.  He pulled him up and held Starsky against him until the spasms subsided. He supported Starsky's weight, gently wiping off the sweat that formed silver beads on his face.

After a while Starsky tried to stand up, but his legs were weak and wobbly. Hutch pulled him to his feet and allowed Starsky to lean on the wash basin until the dizziness passed away. Starsky rinsed his mouth and washed his face.

"I need to get a shower. I have to wash off. I feel dirty."

Hutch could barely make out the words, but he understood.

"I'm going to stay close."

"Don't have to. I'll be fine."

"Yes, but I'm not. Hey... it's not like you have something I don't," Hutch smirked.

"How do you know?" said Starsky, gruffly.

"Do you really need an answer to that question, Starsky? Do you really believe that I don't know how you look, huh?" Hutch asked.

Glaring at Hutch, Starsky walked away.

"I'll wait outside the door," Hutch smiled and left. It'd be a miracle if he didn't get killed by Starsky, one of these days.

Pacing outside the bathroom Hutch listened to Starsky throwing the clothes on the towel racks, and stepping into the shower.

The shower ran for a long time.

"Starsky? You got to stop now, or else you'll dissolve down to your bones." Hutch called out after listening to the slush noise of the soap lathering and scrubbing for the fourth time.

Starsky continued his washing, ignoring Hutch's protests.

"Stop it, Starsk. That's enough." Hutch opened the shower door amidst Starsky's protests, and removed the bar of soap from his hand. "Enough. Just rinse it off now."

Once the fifth round of soap was washed out, Hutch got a bath towel and wrapped it around Starsky.

"I still feel filthy," Starsky said, looking at his arms.

"You're not!"

"He's left marks on me,"

"No, he hasn't. You're trying to wash your own skin off." Hutch gently coaxed Starsky out of the shower.

By the time Starsky got back to bed, he was totally exhausted. Hutch plumped up the pillows for him.

"You don't have to hold my hand until I fall asleep, Hutchinson," said Starsky, watching Hutch smoothing the sheets. "You can save me if I start yelling. That's why you're here, anyway. Isn't it?"

"Whatever you say, Starsk."

"How's your back?" Starsky asked.

"I'm fine."

Starsky watched him silently. Shaye jumped onto Starsky's bed, whimpering. Starsky picked her up and pressed his lips onto her head.

Hutch went back to the couch, hoping the rest of the night would be uneventful. He listened to Starsky's gentle voice.

"You'd never give up on me, would you, Shaye? I didn't mean to yell at you. You know that, don't you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for shouting at you."

Ahh Starsky, you act like a hard-ass-- all macho Mr. Universe, but inside you are soft and mushy as the jelly you put on your peanut butter sandwiches.

***

It was late when Hutch woke up the next morning. He was relieved to see Starsky still asleep with Shaye beside him. He hopped into the bathroom to wash up, and then went to the kitchen. He had the coffee pot brewing when he heard a knock at the door.

It was Huggy with his hands full of bags. "Hi, Amigo. Glad you're still in one piece. Didn't he throw you out last night?" he asked, leaving the bags on the dining table.

Shaye welcomed Huggy by jumping onto him. 

"Like he had a choice," Hutch said. "What's all this?"

"Much needed staples. I know he has nothing up here. Listen-" Huggy lowered his voice. "I found you the perfect place for the honeymoon."

"Huh?" Hutch asked, wondering whether Huggy was out of his mind. Honeymoon? What honeymoon?

"Isn't that what you're planning for the two of you?" Huggy mocked. "A hideout from the rest of us. A place in the beach where no one can find you, so that you can have your wicked ways with him,"

"Huggy!!! Shhhh!" Hutch put his finger on his lips, signaling Huggy to stay quiet.

"How are you supposed to take him there? Drug him? Knock him on the head? Do you think he'd go anywhere, willingly- huh?" Huggy asked sarcastically.

"He remembers some of it, and if he remembers a little more-- if he just remember how he felt about me, I'm sure I can get him to come with me."

Huggy snorted. "Remember how he felt about you? And what exactly is that feeling?"

"He trusts me Huggy, and it's trapped somewhere in his head. I know he'd remember."

"Trust is what he's lacking these days." Huggy sighed. "Okay. There's this beach house, belongs to my cousin. He rents it to people who want to sneak in there with their--" he shook his head. "Anyway, right now it's vacant. This is the address. I've got a map for you, and the keys. It's stocked up on dry food, but the rest you'll have to take in with you. It's about an hour drive from here. Just remember to turn on the gas or you won't have any hot water. I think it'll be the perfect place for you two love birds. Do you want to leave Shaye with me?"

Shaye instantly protested by barking. What? What did Huggy say? Leave me with him? And let Softie and Starsky go by themselves? No way... NO WAY!

"Shaye, stop it." Hutch raised his finger to Shaye, and she instantly stopped barking and sat down.

Hutch turned to Huggy. "Starsky needs a constant once we get to the beach house."

"A constant?"

"Yes, someone that connects Starsky's past and the present. Shaye will be his constant. I need her to come with us. Wouldn't dream of leaving her anywhere, anyway."

Shaye jumped up to Hutch.  Ahh Softie, you are the best. Did I show you how much I love you, today?

"I swear, Hutch, this little doggy understands everything."

"Of course, she does. She's Shaye, after all."

"You even sound like him now," muttered Huggy under his breath.

"Did the party start without me?" Starsky's sleepy voice made all of them turn towards the bedroom. Starsky was leaning against the door frame; struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Hey, my man, Sta-aa-arskay. How are you doing? I brought you breakfast, and Hutch here has the coffee already going."

"T'rrific," Starsky muttered and hobbled into the bathroom.

"Why, thank you so very much!" said Huggy, staring at the closed door. He turned back to Hutch. "Did you talk to Captain Dobey?" He asked.

"Not yet, but I will."

Hutch called captain Dobey before Starsky got out of the bathroom. He briefed him on the situation and what he was planning to do. Dobey wanted to be informed about Starsky's condition whenever possible; Starsky would be on sick leave until everything was sorted out. Hutch prayed it would not take that long.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 11: A Plan that has to Work

Huggy had brought a variety of items, including muffins, bagels, scones and doughnuts, but Starsky barely had any. Instead he helped himself to the brewed coffee. With the steaming mug in his hand, Starsky paced the kitchen silently.

Hutch cleared the table and got busy with dishes at the sink, watching the restless man out of the corner of his eyes.

Starsky walked over to Hutch and stood right beside him. "What did you mean by Shaye being my constant?" he asked.

Hutch froze for a second. Was Starsky listening to the whole conversation? "Isn't she?" he asked, avoiding Starsky's glares.

"Why did you call Dobey?"

So he heard the phone call, too. Reaching for a towel, Hutch started to wipe the dishes dry. "I told him that I'm planning to take you on a small trip."

"You said what?" Starsky spun Hutch around to face him. His nostrils flared angrily. "Take me on a trip?" 

"You heard me," Hutch said, breaking free from Starsky's grasp.

"I'm not leaving this apartment." Starsky stood his ground, adamantly. "I'm not going anywhere with you," he growled.

Starsky's stubborn attitude drilled holes in Hutch's patience, but he kept his cool demeanor.

"Oh, yes. You will," Hutch said calmly. It wasn't the time to let the tiles crack. "Starsk, this's for the best. The sooner we get to the bottom of this, the better it is for you."

"The better for me? So then what's in this for you? Why are you here?" Starsky demanded red in the face.

Hutch remained silent for a while. "Why do you think I'm here, Starsky?" he asked, softly.

Starsky exhaled sharply. "Don't tell me that we fell in love within four days, Hutchinson. I may not remember what happened, but I know I'm not into men," he said angrily.

"Are you sure of that, Starsky?" Hutch taunted. "If you are so sure, then there's nothing to worry about, huh? I mean we could've shared the bed for no real reason- right?"

"Dammit, you! Don't play games with me," Starsky raged, clenching his teeth.

Hutch wished it was just a game. "I'm not the one who's playing hide and seek or catch me if you can or--"

"What's in this for you?" Starsky asked, cutting Hutch off effectively.

"I don't like to leave any unfinished business. I'm trying to get this over with, too," Hutch raised his voice, holding back a scream of frustration.

Starsky's mouth turned down into a frown. "So why don't we get this over with in my apartment? Why do we have to go elsewhere?"

Hutch pushed his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Because we don't need distractions. Come on Starsk, even Shaye approves of this- right, Shaye?" Hutch asked the little dog.

Shaye instantly folded her ears back, whimpered, and crept under the dining table. Oh, no. You are not getting me into your conversations anymore, Softie. I can remember what happened last time when I agreed with you. Lesson learnt. I'm on Starsky's side, for better or worse, until death do us apart.

Starsky's brows rose in confusion and surprise.

Hutch's mouth widened with a smile, and he broke into a hearty laugh. Starsky turned around, and when his eyes met Hutch's, a grin spread across Starsky's face, too.

"She learns well from past experiences," Hutch said.

Starsky nodded, still laughing, good naturedly.

Thanks to Shaye, the ice was broken.

"She's one special girl, Starsky." Hutch said.

Starsky nodded, his eyes softening. "What are you planning to do once we get to this cottage of yours? How do you think you're going to help me?" Starsky asked in a more relaxed, normal, conversational tone.

"To tell you the truth, Starsky, I don't really know. What I know is that your memories are driving you crazy, and your headaches are killing you. It'd only get worse, buddy."

"How are you going to get me to remember?"

"I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to be with you when you remember it. That's all."

"Why do you think I will remember the past?"

"It's already coming back to you in bits and pieces. It'd keep on coming now. You know it."

"Why can't Huggy or someone else be with me? Why can't I go to a hospital?"

"Only I can help you, Starsky. You'll understand when you remember all of it. Please, trust me. I know that's a lot to ask, but think of it. Huggy and Dobey know why I'm here, and they approve. They trust me. Shouldn't that count for something?"

Starsky thought for a while, tapping on the kitchen counter. "Yeah," he said. "Shaye likes you, too. And that says a lot."

***

By the end of the day, Hutch, Starsky and Shaye were on their way to their 'holiday' destination. There wasn't even a trace of the previous day's cold front. It was sunny and warm. The perfect California weather.

Starsky became tense when Hutch stopped his LTD in front of a little cottage facing the beach. It was secluded, sheltered, and stood far away from other cottages that were in the area.

"You, bastard!" Starsky said under his breath. "You didn't tell me that we were gonna stay near the beach. I hate this sound. The waves and the noise it makes-"

"You'll come to love it by the time we leave here." Hutch made a mental note to not to leave the car keys anywhere Starsky could find them. He was sure Starsky would drive away if he got his hands on them.

"Dammit, Hutchinson! Did you really have to bring me here?"

"You can stay in the car, cursing me, or you can help me unload this stuff." Hutch was already out of the car. So was Shaye. She ran towards the thrashing waves, barking happily, as if she had made up her mind to have the most of it while they were here. She missed their walks on the beach.

Starsky watched them with a grim expression.

The sun was already setting and the sky was putting on a brilliant show of red, pink and orange, but Starsky wasn't interested in the landscape. He clambered towards the house.

Hutch sighed. I know you're angry and frustrated. Believe me, Starsky, I know. I wish none of this had happened. I wish I could turn back the clock and go right back to the day at the restaurant, so that I could stop Leo from taking you away from us.

Hutch busied himself with unpacking and storing the goodies in the kitchen. Starsky walked in the little cottage checking the space. He stood still at the bedroom door, and took a deep breath. "Only one bedroom?"

Nothing escaped Hutch's watchful eyes. "It has two beds," he said, hoping Starsky wouldn't throw a temper tantrum. "Why don't you unpack your stuff? You can use the dresser."

Starsky shrugged and walked over to the living area. He picked up his bag and went into the bedroom.

The beach house was perfect. A kitchen, a nice big living area that faced the beach. Big glass windows that gave a good view of the ocean and heavy curtains if you needed some privacy. The living room had a TV, sofa and some furniture; looked very homey. The bedroom was of a good size with two queen size beds that were placed side-by-side with a corner table in between. It was more than a little beach house.

***

"I don't think it'd stay inside me." Starsky frowned at his dinner, the pizza Hutch had bought on their way to the cottage.

"Maybe you should take something that'd make you sleep tonight. Dr. Wagner recommended what you could take, and I already picked it up on my way to BC."

Starsky snapped his head up. "You met Wagner? When?"

"Yesterday."

Starsky pushed his plate aside and locked his eyes with Hutch. "When did you become my next of kin, huh? How could you go and pick up something for me without my knowledge?" his eyes were flashing with angry annoyance.

"I did what I had to do," Hutch chose his words carefully, not wanting to make the man sitting in front of him explode. I'd do whatever it takes to get you back. To get my friend back.

Starsky looked away as if he could read Hutch's mind.

You know I care about you, Starsky. You won't admit it, but you know.

"Starsk, if you aren't hungry maybe we can eat a little bit later."

"Yeah, I'm really not up to it." Starsky stood up.

Hutch cleaned up the table knowing there wasn't a 'later' for dinner that day. It was already close to ten o'clock. "Do you need to use the bathroom? I need to take a shower," he asked, sweeping the pizza crumbs from the table and dumping it in the trash bin.

"Go ahead. I'm fine," said Starsky, as he slid onto the big sofa in the living room. Switching on the TV, he tried to find something interesting to watch. Shaye settled at his feet.

***

Hutch stripped off his clothes and got into the shower. He turned on the faucet, looking forward to the warm water to wash away his exhaustion. But… the icy cold water shot at him at full pressure, and he gasped. He was completely drenched and his teeth were chattering by the time he shut off the water. Damn! He had forgotten to switch on the gas. No wonder the beach house was cold. He patted himself dry and wrapped the towel around his hips, noticing that he had not brought the bathrobe with him either.

He stepped out of the bathroom shivering and cursing himself.

"Done already?" asked Starsky, turning around.

"I… I  f… f… forgot the g… g… gas. Water's c... cold. S- Shit!" Wrapping his arms around himself, Hutch walked towards the boiler room to switch on the gas.

When he returned Hutch noticed how pale Starsky had become. He was staring at Hutch as if he had seen a ghost.

Is it a flash of another memory?

"Oh, God." Starsky inhaled sharply and closed his eyes.

"What? What is it, Starsk?" Hutch asked, stepping closer to Starsky, forgetting how cold he was feeling right then.

Starsky stood up, but stumbled when he tried to take a step. There was no way to stop it. Starsky saw it coming; the angry water gushing out of the broken dam, and he knew he was about to drown.

"Oh, God. No, no, no." Starsky crumpled and hit the floor moaning, clutching his stomach.

"Starsky?" Hutch fell beside him. Pushing his palm onto Starsky's forehead, Hutch stopped Starsky from smashing his face on the ground. Circling his other arm about Starsky's waist, Hutch pulled him up and made him lean back against Hutch's chest.

"Easy, buddy. Easy now. Take it slow." Hutch folded his arms around Starsky, holding him in a tight embrace.

"I can't. God... I can't," Starsky moaned.

A memory so sharp and vivid: a naked Hutch under a cold shower, shivering to his bones, telling Starsky; Cold... cannot sleep… dead bodies.

Starsky cried out for the memories he had lost, and for the pain it caused; for not been able to control the aches that spread from head to toe. He suffered the tightness in his chest that couldn't be loosened, wishing it would suffocate him and end this hurt forever.

Starsky leaned on Hutch, concentrating on Hutch's heartbeat against his back. He welcomed the warmth of Hutch's arms around him, supporting and holding him close. He wondered how long it has been since he had allowed anyone to get close to him or hold him close like this. No matter how much he tried to visualize or think of him being close with Hutch in a physical way, he couldn't understand how it could've happened when he had never had any feelings towards men before. But then… how could he feel safe and comfortable in Hutch's arms? This was nothing sexual, but he knew, he felt, he was all wrapped up in a love that felt so right and pure. 

He felt Hutch's breath on his neck and a wetness that soaked into his shirt. Hutch is crying?

The painful memories reminded Starsky of his decision to stay in LA after the trial. He was supposed to take care of Hutch. He had stayed in LA to take care of him, but why? What was wrong with Hutch? He couldn't remember why, but he knew he had decided to stay in LA for a while because of Hutch.

"What did you remember?" Hutch asked, after Starsky's struggling subsided.

"You throwing up at the Blue Orchid, and me bringing you to my Hotel. Us, at the Holiday Inn. You in the shower. Why did you try to freeze yourself? Can't remember why, and I tried to make you feel warm. I wrapped you up in everything I could find and I gave you red socks. We slept together on the couch."

"Yeah." Hutch smiled.

"Did we?" Starsky stared reflectively at his palms. "I mean, I still can't feel anything. I know what I did, but I can't feel what I felt towards you. It is weird, like watching a silent movie." Starsky turned around to look at Hutch. "You ain't plannin' on tellin' me, are you?"

Hutch shook his head. "Up to you to remember, Starsk. Don't expect any clues from me. You have to remember if you really want to know."

"I want to know, but I'm not sure whether I can afford to. It's killin' me. The headaches are a bitch. This's too much. I never knew headaches could be this strong and powerful. It's like I want my head to explode so that I'm done with it forever. I dunno whether I'll make it through this, Hutch."

Hutch tightened his hold. Starsky called him Hutch, for the first time after all this had begun. "We'll take it slow. We're in this together."

Starsky wrinkled his brows as if a troublesome thought engulfed him. "What if I remember everything that happened, but don't get back what I was feeling. I mean… what if I don't want to be friends or whatever we were together?"

Hutch swallowed hard and fell silent for a moment, and sighed. "I can live with that decision once you have all your memories." 

Starsky studied Hutch for a while. If the sadness emanating from Hutch's eyes were any clue to what Hutch felt in his heart, it meant that it was already crumbling at the mere thought of Starsky walking out of his life. Hutch's life would be nothing but normal.  "You're sure?" asked Starsky.

"I'm not another Leo," Hutch said fiercely.

"No. You aren't." Starsky said, softly. You are Hutch, and I promise you that I will never do anything to hurt you, no matter how I feel about you.

Starsky freed himself from Hutch's embrace and sat up. "Umm… Hutch, your towel," he said.

Hutch noticed the towel around his hips had fallen off. He quickly arranged it and stood up. "I was on my way to finish my shower." He quickly walked away. "It's not like I have anything you don't, anyway."

"And I should know everything about how you look, too, right?" Starsky smirked.

Later that night, after another failed attempt at dinner, they decided to call it a day. Starsky took Hutch's advice and took a pill that was supposed to help him sleep. 

Lying on his back and turning his head towards Starsky, who was lying on the other bed, Hutch closed his eyes. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Starsky woke up feeling numb and groggy. He couldn't move, and was still tied to the car seat. Leo was beside him. They were driving non-stop in broad daylight.

"Where are we?"

"We'll be home in another few minutes."

"Did you drug me, again?"

"I had to, Dae. Couldn't take any chances."

Starsky noticed buildings, houses, and a sign, 'Longview Times.' Longview? Where was that?

"How long did I sleep?"

"Quite a long time."

Leo brought the car to a halt in front of a house. "Home, Dae. We're finally home."

Leo jumped out of the car and came around to open the door for Starsky. He helped Starsky to get out; his legs were wobbly and un-cooperative after the long ride.

Leaning against the car to get his bearings back, Starsky looked around. The surrounding area looked isolated; not anything or anyone in the vicinity. He listened to a 'whoosh' and 'crash' sound, and deduced they were close to the ocean. A far off sound of a train's whistle reached his ears. Railroads!

"Are you going to keep me a prisoner here, Leo?"

"Can I trust you not to run away from me? Can I trust you not to try to contact your good-for-nothing friends in LA?"

"Leo, I don't love you."

"Do you love Hutchinson?"

"I'm not in love with anyone. He's just another friend."

"I saw the two of you at the Holiday Inn. You didn't know that the curtains had moved, and I saw the two of you. You were sleeping together on the couch. Can you explain that?"

"He was going through a bad period, and I helped him. Leave him out of this."

"He loves you, Dae. I have seen how he looks at you."

"We are friends."

"You cannot be friends with him anymore. I'm your friend, and your lover. From now onwards it's only you and me. There's no room for anyone else in your life anymore. Do you understand me?"

"This is sheer madness."

"This is what I'd do to protect you from everyone out there,"  Leo said firmly. He opened the front door and gestured Starsky to walk in. "What you do is dangerous," he continued. "You put your life at risk every day. I saw how you suffered at my father's hands, Dae, and that was only one incident. How many times are you going to sacrifice yourself to catch the bad guys out there? How many times are you going to get kidnapped, tortured and beaten up?" he asked, closing the door behind him and locking it. "I can't allow that to happen. I love you too much."

"That's my job, and I love my job."

"You don't have to suffer anymore."

"You're making me suffer. You're keeping me here against my will."

"I'm doing what's good for you. Allow me to take care of you, Dae. No one loves you the way I do," Leo said harshly.

"Let me go. If you love me then let me go."

"I love you too much to let you go. No one can love you the way I do. No one." Grabbing Starsky's shoulders, Leo shook him. "Do you hear me?" He asked fiercely. "No one."

Starsky moaned incoherently, thrashing his limbs uncontrollably.

Hutch had to hold Starsky down by his shoulders to prevent him from hurting himself or Hutch.  "Dammit, Starsk. Stop fighting me. Wake up."

Starsky's eyes fluttered open as he struggled to silence Leo's voice echoing in his head. The headache hit him like a ton of bricks.  He groaned, holding his head, trying to banish his thoughts of past encounters with Leo; if only he could stop it. If only he could stop it from coming back to him.

Tears trickled down Starsky's face as Hutch held his head. He slowly massaged Starsky's temples and scalp to bring him some comfort from the intense pain. The pills hadn't helped. Starsky was still suffering from nightmares.

"I need a shower, Hutch. He… he kissed me. I need a shower."

"Where?" Hutch asked. "Where did he kiss you?

Starsky touched his temple.

"I know what to do. Just a second." Leaving Starsky propped against the headboard, Hutch left the bedroom. He came back with a bowl of water and a towel.

"This should take care of it." Hutch dipped the towel in the lukewarm water. Squeezing out the excess liquid, he wiped Starsky's forehead and face. "Feel better?" he asked, smiling gently.

"Thanks," Starsky worked up a smile, grateful for Hutch's loving act.

"What was it this time?" asked Hutch, setting aside the bowl and wet towel.

"He took me to a house. I saw some signs on the way- Longview. He had seen us sleeping together at the hotel; he thought you and I were lovers." Starsky searched Hutch's eyes for a revelation, but saw none.

"Keep on remembering, Starsk. You'll get to the truth."

"The truth!" Starsky shook his head. "I don't know about that. In the dream, I kept on telling him that you and I were just friends, and that I didn't love you. I don't know whether I was lying to prevent him from harming you, or whether that was the truth." Starsky pressed his fingers to his aching eyes. "I'm so tired, Hutch."

"Try to get some sleep."

"No. I... I don't want any more dreams."

"You need to get some sleep, buddy… come on." 

Starsky agreed half-heartedly. He didn't want to be pulled into another lurid reverie.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Starsky was again cuffed, but now it was to a bed. Leo paced the room and seemed to be restless.

"Hutchinson will never find you," Leo cried in outrage.

"What's going on?"

"He's in charge of the search for you, Dae. You have to tell him to stop looking for you."

"You want me to call him?"

Leo laughed menacingly. "You are never going to talk to him again."

"Then how am I going to tell him anything? And do you think they'll stop searching for me just because I say so?"

"You have to tell them that you came with me because you wanted to. You have to tell him to stop the search or else I will have to kill him."

"What's the matter with you? What are you going to accomplish by killing a cop?"

"This is not just 'A cop'- This is Hutchinson."

"So what? Are you going to kill all my friends now?"

"No. Not all of them. Just him. He's in love with you, and he'll not stop looking for you."

"Do you think they'll stop the search when you kill him?"

"The others don't care like Hutchinson does, and you don't care about others like you care about Hutchinson." Leo sat on the bed beside Starsky. "You are protecting him, aren't you?" He cupped Starsky's head in his hands and gazed into his eyes. "You don't want to see him getting hurt."

Starsky struggled to free himself from Leo's grasp. "I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"You have to forget him, Dae." Leo tightened his grip on Starsky. "None of them deserve someone like you. Why don't you see it? Why don't you see how much I love you?"

"This is not love."

"You have to write him a letter. You have to tell him to stop looking for you. You have to tell him that you love me."

Starsky woke up breathing heavily, bracing himself for the horrendous headache that was in the making. He banged his head on headboard before Hutch, who was beside him by then, pulled him away.

Hutch hugged Starsky around his waist to minimize the movement, but Starsky jerked violently. "God, it's burning. My head's burning, Hutch," Starsky rasped.

Pushing Starsky on to the bed Hutch gripped his wrists and pressed them to the mattress while straddling his chest to restrict the movements. Hutch lowered his forehead until he touched Starsky's temple. "Stop struggling, please. It'll go away in a minute. I promise, it'll go away," he spoke softly. "Calm down, buddy... think about something else. Think about Shaye. Can you remember how she found you and how she followed you? You told me she was always with you, day and night. She's one special little girl, Starsk. When you went missing, she knew right away that something was wrong," Hutch explained how Dobey had called him because Shaye had not stopped whining that night. He related how Shaye was with him until Starsky was found.

Starsky's breathing slowed down, and seemed to relax with Hutch's gentle voice and little stories.

Relieved that his trick worked, Hutch moved away from Starsky, allowing him to sit up. "I swore I wouldn't let anyone know this, but… you know, she even made me eat her food one day."

"Shaye made you do what?" Starsky broke into a hysterical fit of laughter. 

Shaye jumped up onto the bed, most probably hearing Starsky say her name. She licked Starsky's face.

"That's my girl, alright," Starsky said, picking up Shaye and holding her close to him, chuckling softly. He remained silent for some time, and then his smile disappeared and darkness settled in.

Hutch wished he could soothe the worry, and wipe the confusion away from Starsky's eyes. He longed to hear that joyful laugh again. That would've eased the pain out of both their souls, he was sure.

Putting Shaye on the bed, Starsky leaned against the headboard. "He made me write a letter to you." He folded his arms behind his head. "Is that how you found me? You figured it out?"

"It took me a while, but I managed to read between the lines."

"I think he was gone for more than a day after I wrote that letter. Did he drive to LA to post it?"

"Yes, but it wasn't just for that. He- he had other stuff to do in LA. From what you can remember, were you cuffed the whole time?"

"No, but I was drugged."

Hutch nodded. Drugs and hallucinogens. Hallucinogens so strong they made you believe the unbelievable.

"I think I tried to escape, once." Starsky continued. "But couldn't overpower him. I was too weak and too groggy to do anything. I can remember feeling helpless. Leo was furious." 

"What did he do?"

"He was mad. He thought I was trying to get back to you. I realized that the only way to get out of there was to do as he said and gain his trust. I knew it wasn't going to be easy or happen in a day or two. That's all I can remember- at least, for now."

"He sedated you so that you wouldn't be aggressive."

"Hutch… I really need a shower."

"Did he… did he do more than just kissing you?"

"I know he was always touching me- my face, arms, head, and hair... my whole body… I feel dirty… I..."

"Come on... a shower it is." Hutch wished Leo was still alive, and that he could wring his neck so that he would never be able to untangle it; or break his nose in such a way that would make San Francisco's Lombard Street look pretty straight.

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Continue to Chapter 12...